Recession and what to do about it

So the big thing I missed last week was the country falling into recession*. No longer can we whimsically comment on our colleagues who have iphones. Now we have to claw at them asking for money. We must stand outside Starbucks, ready to mug those still affluent enough to go inside. I for one, was getting sick of getting into taxis and hearing stories about the six houses the driver owned in Miami Beach.

Have you noticed the trend?

• More bicycle based gardai - nice cost saver there. But then take that in tandem with the Gardai using fake police cars - is it too hard to read between the lines and figure out that they’ve no money left? All we need now is a parade or too and bam off everybody goes looting.
• International teenagers flying in to clean up Dublin - We really need the charity already.
• The immigrants are leaving in droves.
• O’Shea of Seoige and O’Shea is out of here - A job for Jazz Biscuit then, even in these trying times.

You actually get the impression that this is only the tip of the iceberg, and the shit is about to hit the fan, (and splatter spectacularly, spud-from-trainspotting style). The Irish Examiner says:

A survey by insurance firm Genworth Financial has also suggested that one in 10 Irish households say they are borrowing more than they can afford and more than half have experienced financial difficulties in the past year. Furthermore, it reports one in three households have less than a month’s salary in savings.

So what to do? Well, there’s the usual options when this shit happens.

Emmigrate
Yes but where? The United States of Whatever are clamping down on the undocumented Irish, and you can’t high-diddly-dee your way out of that one, or you’ll end up in Syria doing a bit of simulated drowning. Nah, you really want to get out, the obvious one is to TEFL your way out of here. South Korea, China, Japan, just knock the nail on the head, and disappear until the dust settles and it’s time to rebuild back here. Fill in your details on the right and Jazz Biscuit will send you an email when the recession is over.

Sell the X5
Haha, no one will buy that piece of shit. It may be your last chance to sell any expensive items you have and still get any cash for them. Criminals ahead of the game are already stealing plasmas en-masse and shipping to economies that can still afford to buy them.

Head to Carlow
And try and sex up one of the winners.

Become an MEP
They get paid well and have interesting work practices. Seriously, have a look at Kathy Sinnott in this:

Get the fuck out of the Irish Stock Exchange
Here’s an image from the ISEQ today:
Of course, if you can spot rock bottom, then buy buy buy. Otherwise, it’s time to spread bet and go international.

In conclusion, looks like it’s time to stock pile the beans and bottled water (invest in food, seriously) and off we all go to the recession. Fun times. I’ll be on the canal, whoring my body out in exchange for cash. I’ll also accept reasonably charged batteries as payment, or disease free minge**.

*Yes, it was just like a light switch. Everything was absolutely fine until Tuesday at 1.37pm when suddenly it all went pear shaped.

**Fine. That has nothing to do with the recession I’d be there anyway. And disease free is a nice-to-have.

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